The holiday season and winter school holidays mean more time spent at home for many families, but also significantly more stress. Children get out of their established rhythm, parents juggle work, preparations, and family obligations, and minor daily tensions easily turn into more serious conflicts. Early childhood development experts have been warning for years that in such moments it is not crucial to devise perfect activities or set even stricter rules, but to find a way to consciously “reset” the connection between the adult and the child. This is exactly where the concept of “banking time” fits in – a simple, yet research-supported strategy for strengthening relationships.

“Banking time” was developed at the University of Virginia as part of a broader program to support relationships between adults and children. The idea was conceived by a team consisting of Robert Pianta, Bridget Hamre, and Amanda Williford, a professor of early childhood and a clinical psychologist specializing in child behavior and the quality of interactions in the classroom and family. The concept was initially aimed at teachers working with children with challenging behaviors, and was then adapted for parents and other adults who care for children.

The basic metaphor is a bank account: every time an adult gives a child structured, but unobtrusive time – without grading, teaching, or criticizing – an additional deposit of trust is placed into the “account.” This deposit is also called “relationship capital.” When conflict, anger, or crisis occurs, the adult and child have something to “withdraw money” from: the previous experience of feeling safe, seen, and accepted. That capital then alleviates tensions and facilitates problem-solving.

What is actually “banking time” in family life?

“Banking time” is a structured form of one-on-one time together in which the child leads the play, and the adult intentionally takes on the role of observer and follower, rather than leader. It is most often recommended for about 10 minutes, several times a week, in a quiet environment without interruptions and distractions. In those ten minutes, the child chooses the activity, sets the rhythm and dynamics, and the parent follows, describes, reflects, and emotionally attunes to the child.

Unlike classic moments in which a parent asks for something, explains, teaches, or corrects, here the focus is on the relationship, not on performance. There is no goal to be “successfully” achieved, no homework to complete, no grade or school task. The adult in “banking time” does not ask: “What did we learn today?” but through their behavior communicates: “It is important to me to spend time with you exactly exactly how you want.”

Such a role reversal is unusual for many parents at first. They are used to organizing the day, setting rules, and taking responsibility for the child “learning something.” Both at school and at home, adults are almost always the ones who define the criteria for success. “Banking time” briefly suspends that logic and gives the child the experience that they are the main person in the frame, while the parent consciously steps into the “background” – but remains fully present.

Why is this technique especially valuable during the holidays and breaks?

In the days around the New Year and winter holidays, family schedules are often chaotic. Children sleep longer or shorter than usual, skip usual routines due to socializing and travel, and screen time is often used to “patch up” time when parents must finish work or preparations. At the same time, adults feel pressure for everything to be “perfect”: from gifts and food to family gatherings. It is no wonder that this period, instead of idyllic, is often burdened with arguments, negotiation, and exhaustion.

“Banking time” introduces a small but stable element of predictability and closeness amidst that chaos. When a child knows that they will have ten minutes of fully dedicated time with a parent several times a week, they are less inclined to seek attention through disruptive or defiant behavior. For the parent, meanwhile, those ten minutes become a moment of slowing down and stepping away from the to-do list, which often results in a reduction of their own tension. Ultimately, conflicts do not disappear, but fewer “explosions” occur, and those that do happen are shorter and easier to calm.

It is important to highlight that this strategy is not reserved only for small children. Although it originates from work with preschoolers and early elementary school grades, it is adapted for teenagers as well: instead of playing on the floor, it can be cooking together, a walk, a short car drive, or listening to music in a room. The key remains the same – the young person chooses the activity and tempo, and the adult follows without judging.

Fundamental rules: what “banking time” is, and what it is not

For “banking time” to have an effect, it is necessary to consistently stick to several basic rules. They are not complicated, but can be challenging precisely because they ask the adult to give up the role of the one who controls everything.

1. The child chooses the activity

At the beginning of the session, the parent invites the child: “We have our special time. What do you want to do?” It is important that the offer be sincere and broad. The child can choose between playing with blocks, drawing, role-playing, inventing stories, arranging figurines, playing with dolls or toy cars, dancing together, or even quiet reading, if they wish. The adult does not push the child toward “more useful” activities nor narrow the choice except in case of safety reasons (for example, no games that involve dangerous objects).

2. No teaching, fixing, or assigning tasks

In “banking time,” the parent does not explain how something should be done “correctly,” does not correct grammatical errors, does not suggest a better solution, and does not turn play into a school exercise. If the child draws characters without proportions, that remains perfectly fine. If they stack blocks so that the tower falls, the parent does not take on the role of an engineer who knows the “correct way.” This is a time in which how the child feels is more important than how the performance looks.

3. The adult is fully present

During the agreed-upon ten minutes, messages are not checked, emails are not answered, television is not watched in the background. The mobile phone is preferably out of the room or silenced and turned screen down. The idea is for the child to get a clear impression: “In these ten minutes, you are my main concern.” Such a message is a strong source of security for children, especially in families where daily life is fast-paced and full of obligations.

4. Rules exist only for safety

If the child chooses an activity that involves something potentially risky, the parent still sets limits – but explains them calmly and simply, without lecturing. For example: “We cannot throw blocks at the window because it might break. Let’s throw them on the carpet.” Rules are not introduced to “improve the game,” but to protect the health and safety of all participants.

Four key steps: observe, narrate, label, connect

Professional materials describing “banking time” highlight several concrete behaviors that help the adult get the most out of those ten minutes. It is useful to observe them as four steps or four “modes of speech” in the play space.

1. Observe without rushing

The first task of the adult is to slow down and allow themselves a few moments of silence. Instead of immediately starting to ask questions or suggest ideas, the parent simply watches how the child begins the activity. The way the child grabs blocks, how they arrange colors, which characters they pick up first, or which sentences they utter in role-play often reveals a lot about their mood, interests, and worries. At the same time, silence is not a problem; it can also be a refreshing pause from constant noise and demands.

2. Narrate like a sports commentator

When the child is already immersed in the activity, the parent can start briefly describing what they see, similar to a sports commentator. For example: “I see you are building a really tall tower.”, “Now you picked up the blue block.” or “Your doll is currently traveling to another city.” Such narrating is not a test, it does not ask the question “why”, but sends a signal to the child: “I am following you, I am paying attention to what you are doing.” It gives the child the feeling that their play is worthy of attention.

3. Labeling feelings

The next step is an attempt to name what the child is emotionally experiencing. If the child frustratedly knocks down the tower, the parent can say: “You look really disappointed that the tower fell.” If the child is laughing and jumping, one can note: “I see this is really fun for you.” It is essential to state assumptions gently and openly, without “psychologizing” or dramatizing. The goal is not to prove that the adult is right, but to offer the child language for what they are feeling.

4. Connecting through a relational message

At certain moments, the parent can summarize with a short sentence what they see as the child’s key need in the relationship. These can be messages like: “I am here with you.”, “You can count on me even when it is hard for you.” or “I like how you solve things.” Such sentences, spoken without moralizing, build an image of the adult as an ally, and not as a judge. Children carry them with them later, consciously or unconsciously, when they find themselves in stressful situations.

What does research say about the effects of “banking time”?

“Banking time” is not just a cute idea, but an approach that has been tested in a series of scientific studies, primarily in the context of kindergartens and early elementary school age. Research shows that teachers who regularly conduct such short, structured meetings with children more prone to challenging behavior over time report a warmer relationship, a lower sense of conflict, and better cooperation in the classroom. Children, on the other hand, show a lower level of external behavioral problems, such as defiance, aggression, or frequent disruption of classes.

Analyses have shown that the quality of the relationship is precisely the key mechanism of change. When a child experiences an adult as reliable, warm, and predictable, they more easily accept limits and learn to regulate their own emotions. “Banking time” thereby becomes a kind of “early intervention”: one does not wait for problems to escalate, but invests in the relationship in advance, when everything is still relatively calm. Such an approach is equally useful in a family environment, especially when it comes to children who have already experienced a lot of conflict with adults.

It is also an important fact that many programs involving “banking time” were developed for practical application – without complex materials and expensive resources. Teachers and parents can learn the basic steps through short trainings or written guides, and then adapt them to their own style. This makes this strategy accessible to a wide circle of families, regardless of education or financial possibilities.

What “banking time” looks like in practice – an example from everyday life

Let’s imagine a seven-year-old child who has been arguing with parents about doing homework for some time. Every day ends the same: the parent reminds, the child procrastinates, voices are raised, sometimes tears fall. After a few such episodes, all participants feel that their connection is reduced to control and resistance.

The parent decides to introduce “banking time” three times a week, for ten minutes. Rather than immediately starting with homework, they agree with the child that they will have “special time for play.” On the first day, the child chooses stacking blocks. The parent sits on the floor, puts away the mobile phone, and just observes how the child stacks towers and a tunnel for cars. Occasionally they describe what they see, ask no questions, and give no suggestions. When the tower falls, they quietly note that the child looks frustrated and add: “I like how you try again.”

After several such meetings, the atmosphere in the house does not become magically perfect, but the tone changes. The child begins to remind the parent of “their time” themselves, and during discussions about homework, they agree to an agreement more easily. It is not that “banking time” solves all problems, but the additional capital of trust and warmth helps everyone understand conflicts less personally and less dramatically.

Ideas for toys and activities that encourage free play

For “banking time” it is most important that the game or activity does not have strictly set steps and leaves space for the child’s imagination. Instead of complex toys with many instructions and a pre-set goal, open-ended materials that the child can use in different ways are recommended.

• Blocks and building sets without instructions – classic wooden or plastic blocks, Lego and similar bricks, but not in the form of a set that “must” become a ship or a spaceship. Mixed boxes with different shapes and colors allow the child to invent what they are building themselves.


• Modeling compounds and clay – plasticine, clay, or other modeling mass that the child can roll, cut, join, and shape into characters, objects, or abstract shapes. The adult can join by creating their own character, but without competing over who is “better.”


• Art materials – plain or recycled paper, crayons, felt-tip pens, scissors with a blunt tip, glue, watercolors. Instead of coloring books and “paint by numbers,” preference is given to blank sheets on which the child decides for themselves what they will draw or paint.


• Role-playing – dolls, figurines, plush toys, houses, vehicles, and similar props for imaginary stories. The child invents characters and the plot, while the adult can act as another character, but allows the child to lead the script.


• Simple board games and games without props – guessing imaginary characters, inventing stories taking turns one sentence at a time, “shadow theater” with a lamp, rhythm and clapping games. It is essential that the rules be flexible and can be changed according to the child’s ideas.

On the other hand, activities that rely heavily on technology, such as video games or watching cartoons, are not ideal for “banking time.” They can be part of family life in other ways, but in these ten minutes, it is desirable that the child and parent be focused on each other, and not on a screen.

How to adapt the approach to the child’s age

Although the concept was developed primarily for children of kindergarten age and early elementary school grades, its logic can be applied in all stages of childhood and adolescence, with a few adjustments.

Preschoolers

For the youngest, it is useful for “banking time” to be part of a routine, for example always at the same time in the afternoon or in the evening before a bath. Children of that age love repetition, so they will often choose the same game over and over again – that is not a problem, quite the contrary. The parent can join the same story every time anew, following small changes in the way the child approaches the game.

School-age children

With children who already go to school, themes of friendships, successes and failures, relationships with teachers come to the fore. Elements from school may appear in play, and the parent can help the child indirectly process school worries through narrating and naming emotions. At the same time, it is important that “banking time” remains separate from homework – this is not time for studying nor for testing knowledge, but a space in which the child has the right to make a mistake without consequences.

Teenagers

With adolescents, ten minutes of time together might not look like “play,” but rather like hanging out or a joint project. That can be listening to favorite music, commenting on movies, cooking a meal, a short walk around the neighborhood, or a bus ride without rushing. The principle remains the same: the young person chooses the topic and activity, and the adult does not use the time for lecturing or resolving contentious topics. If tricky topics appear spontaneously, it is possible to acknowledge them (“I see this is bothering you”), but without attempting to “solve everything” in those ten minutes.

Common obstacles and how to overcome them

Many parents, when they first hear about “banking time,” think: “I don’t even have ten minutes.” But practical experience shows that the problem is more rarely in the actual lack of time, and more often in the feeling of being overloaded and the belief that “real quality time” must be planned for hours. Here the point is the opposite: precisely because it is about a short, clearly delimited period, it is easier to incorporate it into the day, even during the busiest periods.

Another common obstacle is the adult’s discomfort when they need to stop “teaching” and simply follow the child. Some parents have a feeling that they are not doing enough if they do not give advice or instruction. It is important to remind oneself that “banking time” is a specific space in which the goal is building relationships, not transferring knowledge. In other parts of the day, there is still room for learning, boundaries, and explanations.

The third difficulty is the child’s resistance, especially if the connection is already marked by frequent criticism and arguments. In such situations, it is not unusual for the child to initially refuse the invitation to spend time together or turn it into a provocation. The experts’ recommendation is for the adult to remain patient, consistent, and for “banking time” to start with very simple, less intense activities – for example drawing or stacking blocks with music in the background – without pressure to achieve a “deep conversation.”

“Banking time” as an investment in the future of the relationship

Although it originated in a scientific and educational context, “banking time” is easily translated into the language of everyday life. No special toys, large spaces, or complex preparations are needed for it. What is needed above all is the intention to create a small, regular space in which the child leads, and the adult follows – and to protect that space as precious, just as a savings account is protected into which funds are slowly, but surely deposited.

As the family approaches the new year, many adults think about resolutions: fewer screens, more movement, healthier eating. “Banking time” offers a different kind of promise – investing in the quality of relationships, which are the foundation for everything else. A few intentional, short meetings a week cannot remove all difficulties, but can create a feeling that at the center of family life are not tasks, but people – adults and children – who learn to see, hear, and accept each other.